Monsters Shmonsters!

Child Assured Most Monsters Do Not Exist

from The Onion

MOSCOW, ID — Four-year-old Roy MacMillan, a frequent observer of monsters in his closet, under his bed, and behind his drapes, was reassured by his parents that the vast majority of these creatures do not exist.

"You're just being a silly boy — you've seen scary monsters a hundred times lately, and I'll bet you were imagining at least half of them," Roy's mother, Tracy, told her son after he rushed into their room late Monday night. "There's only room in your closet for three or four monsters, honey. Or two very, very big ones with sharp teeth and long claws."

Steven MacMillan reiterated his wife's reassurances, explaining that he would certainly protect his son from all but the very biggest, strongest, meanest monsters, although those would probably be full after killing and eating Roy's mom and dad first and wouldn't come for Roy until a few months later when he's at the orphanage.