One Day, I Will Be Your God

I was born in the wrong medium.

My impeccably selected words should hang in bubbles over my head for the benefit of those too far to hear, lest some profound, life-altering pearl float from my mouth unpraised. I should be clad in molecularly-unstable, unspeakably form-fitting spandex, my waist Mary-Kate small and my chest Tom of Finland muscular. I should have minus 2% body fat - where fat owes me. I should be of a persecuted minority, born 'different' from the rest of humanity, and hated and feared for that difference. And I should have a cool codename.

Okay, so two out of seven isn't bad. But I'm getting pretty fucking tired of waiting for my superpowers to manifest. I mean, come onnnnnnnn already! What the hell?!? Despite countless childhood hours spent trying to guess the next card or move a pencil across the table, I'm still merely
 human, unjustly normal, my senses limited to the Boring Five, trapped in body fat and ill-fitting apparel. That little Anthony kid from The Twilight Zone was wishing people into the cornfield and destroying the planet when he was only five. Five! And here I am, a scant few years older, and people don't even so much as catch fire when I'm angry. Is a little telepathy or shapeshifting or something too much to ask for? I'd even settle for something lame like empathy or sour milk detection. Throw me a fucking bone.

But my lack of powers doesn't stop me. On a daily basis, I use telekinesis, sorta. [Ominous music.] Whenever the remote is out of reach, I approach a closed door, or a wall is too fucking smooth for its own good, my mind lashes out Carrie-like. Waves of telekinetic force ripple invisibly from my outstretched hand or flare silently in my lethal gaze. Except that nothing happens. The remote just sits there, mocking me; I walk right into the door, bloodying my nose; and the wall remains defiantly, infuriatingly unblemished, its plaster uncracked, its wood unsplintered, its paint unpeeled, adjacent co-workers-who-don't-talk-to-me uncrushed by the unrubble. I stretch my hand, concentrating as hard as I can (like Luke in the ice cave), but nothing happens. I'm still shooting blanks. And often attracting a crowd. "That boy betta check hisself." Duly noted...and don't think your mockery goes unnoticed.

But someday. Someday the name "Dajoro" will inspire both hope and terror. I'll descend from the burning sky - that's right, Jesus-like - looking absolutely fantastic, hair perfect and rearranging reality with a wink and a thought. Sure, why not: I'll save the world. But all those years of outrageous powerlessness and your hateful stares, drowning in this sea of The Common and Inferior, will have left him bitter. So he'll save the world and then conquer it. Dark Dajoro (whose likeness currency will quickly reflect) will be a benevolent(ish) ruler, though merciless to his enemies. And he will only speak of himself in the third person. When you hear the name "Dajoro," you will know fear, and lust...might feel a little gassy. Nonetheless! From my smoke-filled lairs/hash bars in Amsterdam and the Bahamas, I will rule you with sweet tyranny. You will love me. At long last.

When I take over, I'll be looking for a few good men to help me quash the sad insurgencies of puny homo sapiens. Clarification: A few hot men, who look fanfuckingtastic in molecularly-unstable spandex and my groping hands. My Brotherhood of Evil Cuties, my XXX-Men, My Undergear & Fitch Army will enforce my law across the lands [Hot Guys Cannot Wear Clothes, Lucky Charms Is a Food Group, Buffy Must Resume, etc]. Now I'm not naming names (Super Hot High Commander Colin Farrell and Personal Assistant to the Deity Brad Pitt), because that's just tacky, but I have a few future henchmen in mind. So send your headshots, nudes, and resumes to UCI Medical Center, Room 604. I'm the guy in the body cast (btw, I still can't fly) angrily reaching for a pen across the room.

[Tries to click Publish Post button with mind. Tries again. Angrily shakes fist in air.]

Oh, you laugh now. Enjoy yourself, go on, mock my impotence. But just you wait. One day, you'll kneel before me. I will be your god.

Fucking humans.



Yes, it's heresy, but Return of the King is by far my least favorite of the Lord of the Rings films (I'm, um, "Fuckleberry Hinn" in that link). It just left me all eh and hm, felt rushed yet long, preoccupied with the wrong things - although the premiere party was cool. Shook hands with Ian McKellen! Shared a ride with Christopher Lloyd! Wondered how the hell David Hasslehoff got invited!

Had the theatrical version contained any of the additional footage seen in this mindblowing preview of the Special Edition DVD (due in stores December 15, which feels like a million years from now), I would have been singing a different tune. Dangling loose ends tied! Unwarranted feelings explained! Missing scenes restored! DRAGONS!

I almost cried when I watched this. May have even got a little aroused.

Santa, ya listening?

Illustration of the Week

From the Planar Handbook in the Best of the D&D Art Galleries...


Donner Spills the X-Beans

Interview: Lauren Shuler Donner

from CHUD

Lauren Shuler Donner is a busy woman, but she took some time out of her day to get on the phone with me to talk about what's going on in her neck of the woods, which is currently full of geek-friendly projects like Constantine and X3.

First things first - I recorded this interview on my iPod, using my new iTalk extension, and with my cell phone on speaker. What that means is that the first minute or two of the interview is untranscriptable, so I'll break down for you what Lauren said, quoting where I can:

- On Joss Whedon: "I'm a huge fan of Joss'."
- On why Joss won't be directing X3: "Nothing is certain yet."
- On the plot of X3: "It will follow the Dark Phoenix thread, with new storylines and characters." She wouldn't give anything away beyond that.

Q: Reviews from test screenings of Constantine have been popping up online this week. As a producer does this annoy you?
Donner: It’s part of the process. We hold these screenings to get feedback. The only thing is that the movie isn’t done yet, so I hope people give it a chance. I think it’s a great film, and it’s different, in the way that The Matrix was very different. I have 100% belief in Constantine, as does Warner Bros.

Q: How much attention do you pay to the fan community online? How important is that feedback to you?
Donner: It’s enormously important. Because of my experience on X-Men I pay a lot of attention to them. In fact, when we were releasing things from the movie, from Constantine and X2, I always like to release them to the internet first, because they’re our fan base and they’re very, very important to us. We pay attention, believe me.

The problem becomes like on the first X-Men trying to second guess the fans. It comes down to you have to know what you believe in, know there are elements the fans are looking for, try to make sure those elements are incorporated and have the liberty to make a movie. They’re our most important audience.

Q: The folks behind Spider-Man have announced that they want the third one to be the final one, they want to wrap up the whole story. Would you want to do something like that with the X-Men films, or do you see life beyond X3?
Donner: I don’t know. X-Men is different than Spider-Man because you have so many characters, and you have so many different stories. You could go off and do "Days of Future Past." You could do Hellfire Club. There’s so much stuff you can do. We are making a separate Wolverine movie.

Q: Right, with David Benioff scripting.
Donner: Right. It’s different with Spider-Man because that has the one character, but X-Men has so many characters you could take it longer, just as long as the movies have integrity and you’re being honest to the fans and you’re being honest to the characters. If you can still spin a good story, like Star Trek, if you can still go and make good movies, four, five or six – fine, I’m not against it. Just as long as we’re never retreading and making old news. As long as we’re always being fresh and there are great stories to mine – as long as the comics go on the movies can go on.

Q: So about the Wolverine movie – what angle are you taking? A lot of fans are excited about the idea of incorporating the Asian adventures of Logan, plenty of ninjas.
Donner: The plan is to do more of an origin story for Wolverine. The first one. If that’s successful, my deepest desire – I’m not reflecting Fox but you never know – my deepest desire is after the origin story, which David has worked out beautifully, it’s really good – if that works, the second one could be the Mariko, ninja story.

Q: You really know your stuff!
Donner: That whole Mariko love story is phenomenal because he gets down to his basest self and it’s so cool. That’s a great storyline. But I think you have to do the origin first to educate the broader audience, and once you’ve done that and they know his history and what really happened to Logan then you can move on. You can go on to Mariko and her father and that stuff.

Q: Hugh Jackman is signed on to that or are you willing to go with another Wolverine?
Donner: No! No! I would never go with a different Wolverine. In fact, we met, Benioff and Hugh and I, and Benioff told him the story and Hugh loved it. Hugh’s on board. Hugh knows the whole samurai story. I gave him those comics, he read those, so in the future he’s onboard with those also.


Illustration of the Week

From Unapproachable East in the Best of the D&D Art Galleries...


Gnaughty Gnomes Gnicked

Are You Kidding Me?

from Reuters

BERLIN - Thieves have stolen scantily clad garden gnomes from a gnome peepshow in an eastern German amusement park, park manager Frank Ullrich said on Thursday.

"The gnomes display naked body parts - the same ones you'd expect to see in a human peep show," Ullrich said of his missing stars.

The adults-only attraction at Dwarf-Park Trusetal, where visitors peep through keyholes to see the saucy German miniatures in compromising poses, was smashed open early on Thursday morning.

Ullrich said he feared the gnomes would not be traced.

"I doubt they're standing in someone's garden, they'll have to have been hidden inside."


'You're All Gonna Die!' [30-Second Bunnies Theatre]

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 30 seconds. With bunnies.


Illustration of the Week

From The Book of Exalted Deeds in the
Best of the D&D Art Galleries


Gallery Update: CArc & Shrn

I've added Complete Arcane (eh) and Sharn: City of Towers (ooh) to Best of the WotC Art Galleries...

'Freddy, Go to Hell!' [30-Second Bunnies Theatre]


To Jim Belushi, Thanks for the Publicity! Julie Newmar

'Hello, is Jim there?' 'This is he.' 'I'll kill your dog, you pervert!' 'Who is this?!? Stop calling this number! Newmar, if this is yo-' *click*

Actor Jim Belushi Sues Julie Newmar for Harassment

from Reuters

LOS ANGELES - Actor Jim Belushi has filed a $1 million lawsuit against his next-door neighbor, veteran actress Julie Newmar, accusing her of a "campaign of harassment" designed to drive Belushi from his home.

Belushi claims that Newmar, 71, who played the villainous Catwoman on the 1960s Batman TV series, destroyed a fence and landscaping on his property, spied on his family, and blared loud music into his backyard.

The star of the ABC sitcom According to Jim also accused Newmar of spreading "defamatory statements" about him, calling him a "peeping Tom," "voyeur" and "sick."

The suit, filed last week in Los Angeles County Superior Court and made public on Monday, describes Newmar's behavior as "an effort to force Belushi to move from his home." It said her conduct has grown "more alarming and her harassment and apparent obsession have become more intrusive" over time.

Newmar spots Belushi in the garden.

The lawsuit makes no mention of why Newmar would direct such conduct at Belushi.

Neither Newmar nor a spokesman was immediately available for comment.

Belushi's lawyer, Brian Wolf, said he knew of no specific reason why Newmar might be angry. "If she disapproves of some of her neighbors ... for whatever reason - I don't know if it's aesthetics or leaf blowers or what the issue is - she engages in this campaign of harassment and annoyance to try to force them to move," he told Reuters.

Newmar was involved in a highly publicized dispute with neighbors several years ago over the noise created by gardeners using gas-power leaf blowers.

The suit seeks at least $1 million in damages and a court order against Newmar.

'He said that? "Supervillain"?!? [laughs] Why, that's simply ridiculous, officer! That was only a character I played on TV. Clearly, Mr. Belushi is a troubled, troubled man. So very sad. Would you like some more tea? Officer? Officer? [laughs] Purrrfect!'


Illustration of the Week

From Unearthed Arcana in the Best of the D&D Art Galleries...


D&D To Be a Trilogy

Dungeons & Dragons Film Franchise Rolls Saving Throw vs. Second Sequel

from Cinescape

Even though the first sequel isn't ready for release, plans are afoot for a third Dungeons & Dragons movie. Zinc Entertainment, a branch of Joel Silver's Silver Pictures banner, is working on a third D&D movie while post-production work continues on Dungeons & Dragons: The Elemental Might. Variety reports that, contrary to earlier speculation, the new D&D film will receive theatrical distribution first before heading toward home video.

Gerry Lively directed the sequel which brings back Bruce Payne as the blue-lipped baddie Damodar, which sees a group of heroes band together to stop an evil wizard and his black dragon terrorizing a magical land. There's no early word yet on a release date. Heck, so far no one's even seen a still from the movie.

'If You Want To Survive in a Horror Movie, No Sex' [30-Second Bunnies Theatre]


Harry Potter = Necronomicon?

Pupil Appeals Harry Potter 'Witchcraft'

from Reuters

JOHANNESBURG - A South African schoolboy appealed to education authorities after refusing to answer an exam question on Harry Potter because he believes the best-selling children's books promote witchcraft.

Eighteen-year-old John Smit did not answer a comprehension question on a review of one of J.K. Rowling's books on the boy wizard, worth 30% of his English exam.

"He wouldn't answer it because it supports witchcraft, and we're against witchcraft ... the Bible is against witchcraft," Smit's mother, who did not wish to give her first name, told Reuters.

The family has written to provincial director of examinations to complain. Authorities have yet to respond.

"I hope they will give him his average mark. This shouldn't happen again," she said.

African Christian Democratic Party MP Cheryllyn Dudley said South Africa needed a clear policy to avoid other pupils facing moral dilemmas during exams.

"I have read (Harry Potter books), I have researched them thoroughly, and my personal opinion is that they are witchcraft manuals," Dudley told Reuters.