Grandson Spoiled, Rotten

Man Exhumes and Eats Grandson's Corpse

from Reuters

LUSAKA - Zambian police have arrested a man who exhumed, cooked and ate part of his grandson's corpse, police said Monday.

Police spokeswoman Brenda Muntemba said a hunter found the man eating pieces of flesh in a graveyard in Milambo, 600 km (370 miles) north of the capital Lusaka.

"The man exhumed a corpse and cut off some flesh which he cooked in a pot and started eating ... we went to the grave of his grandson and verified that he had exhumed the body," Muntemba told Reuters.

Muntemba said police had no idea why the man, who had no history of madness, had started eating his grandson, who died in July. The man was charged with interfering with a dead body and also for trespass in the graveyard.


Top 10 List: aka, The Devil

1. Satan
2. Lucifer
3. Prince of Darkness
4. Mephistopheles/Mephisto
5. El Diablo
6. The Beast
7. Beelzebub
8. Asmodeus
9. Prince of Lies
10. Dick Cheney


I Smell a Sequel...

Cheney Returns to Camp Crystal Lake

from The Onion

CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ—Reports of a shadowy figure in the woods and heavy breathing heard in the night, coupled with a recent series of grisly murders, have generated rumors that U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney has returned to terrorize the counselors at Camp Crystal Lake, sources reported Friday.

"I knew it'd been too quiet around here," camp caretaker Ephram Magritte, 67, said between sips from his flask. "Things were just starting to get back to normal. Then that carload of kids had to go have a drinking party at the lake last Friday. When two of them went missing, people started up again, saying Cheney was back. We don't need that kind of talk. Stirs up trouble. Scares off customers."

Four hours later, Magritte was found hanging from a tree, his brass-handled cane protruding from his eye socket.

According to camp counselor Jenny Marlatt, not every Crystal Lake murder was committed by Cheney.

"We all thought Cheney had returned last year," Marlatt said before pausing to inhale marijuana smoke from a soda-can pipe. "A bunch of people wound up getting murdered. But the killer turned out to be the brother of one of Cheney's victims. He put on some Cheney glasses and started killing people he thought should've kept a better eye on his brother."

More recently, Cheney's mother slaughtered nine people under the guise of her son before she was finally slain.

"Nah, Cheney hasn't been around for years," Marlatt said. "He's just a story mothers tell their children to get them to clean their plates."

Hours after Marlatt spoke to the press, her body was discovered hanging from the rafters in the camp's auditorium, her soda-can pipe jammed into her mouth.

Camp cook Henry Jones said that, while most of Cheney's homicides took place at Camp Crystal Lake and its immediate vicinity, the maniac has, on occasion, left the bucolic setting to stalk teens and police officers from other cities and towns.

"Remember when Cheney went to New York City?" Jones said Saturday. "They say he stowed away on a cruise ship of teenagers taking a graduation-night voyage around Manhattan Island. He killed almost everyone on board, then went ashore. Yes, sir, Cheney is back, all right—only this time, I know exactly how to stop him."

Those were among Jones' last words, as he was decapitated Sunday. His girlfriend, Jessica Clark, reported that a shadowy figure beheaded him with a machete while the couple kissed behind the camp's kitchen, shortly after she had removed her shirt.

Although nearly 100 Camp Crystal Lake staff members and visitors have been murdered in the last 25 years, experts report that the town is ill-prepared for the return of Cheney.

"Cheney is an unstoppable killing machine," CNN's Anderson Cooper said via telephone. "He has been burned, stabbed, slashed, hacked, bludgeoned, and shot, only to get back up and continue his rampage. But when the town's self-absorbed teens try to explain that something is wrong, very wrong, their calls for help fall on deaf ears. There needs to be some accountability on the part of—oh, God! He's here!"

Cooper, who then dropped the telephone, has not been heard from since.

As they continue to investigate the recent murders, police have urged locals to stay in their heavily windowed cabins, ignore strange scratching noises, and abstain from any immoral acts that might inflame the passions of a psychopath.

"If you see Cheney, do not try to stop him yourself," police officer Brian Doan said. "He is extremely adept at cutting, stabbing, slicing, or skewering victims using whatever implement he comes across. And, whatever you do, keep all machetes well out of reach, way up on really high shelves. The last thing you want to do is tangle with Cheney when he's armed with one of those things."

Doan was found vivisected the next day.

Hmm...you know...now that you mention it...

When asked about Cheney's whereabouts, White House press secretary Scott McClellan vehemently denied speculation that Cheney was responsible for the recent slayings, stating that Cheney has been far too busy with the Bush re-election campaign to visit Camp Crystal Lake in recent weeks. He also denied rumors that Cheney has turned on Donald Rumsfeld after assisting him with a string of murders on Elm Street, and he strenuously insisted that the two high-ranking government officials will not fight to the death.


Robots Stink

Smelly Robot Eats Flies to Generate Its Own Power

from Reuters

LONDON - British scientists are developing a robot that will generate its own power by eating flies.

The idea is to produce electricity by catching flies and digesting them in special fuel cells that will break down sugar in the insects' skeletons and release electrons that will drive an electric current.

Called EcoBot II, the robot is part of a drive to make "release and forget" robots that can be sent into dangerous or inhospitable areas to carry our remote industrial or military monitoring of, say, temperature or toxic gas concentrations," New Scientist magazine said on Wednesday.

Chris Melhuish and his team, who are developing the robot, have to manually feed the flies to EcoBot II because they are still designing some type of pump to suck the insects into it.

"One of the great things about flies is that you can get them to come to you," he said.

Hence the downside of the fully autonomous robot: it will have to use sewage or excrement to attract the flies and is bound to smell appalling.


The Mail Bag: D&D Geek...Or Porn Star?

From: Dan
Date: Wed, 1 Sep 2004 22:29:30 EDT
Subject: No, really, this isn't spam
To: Shadowfoot

It's been a loooooong time since I played Dungeons and Dragons, but having recently started to peruse the Wizards boards, and having found your homebrewed classes, I'm almost ready to take up the 20-sided die again. Your classes are delightful....witty, fun, well thought-out, both mechanically and conceptually, and just plain weird once in awhile. "Coulrophobia: You are one scary clown." HA!

You've given me several hours of fizzy glee. As a token of my appreciation, have some pictures of me in my underwear.




Top 10 List: Lines from Young Frankenstein

1. "Taffeta, darling!"
2. "Abby someone..."
3. "Mmm...the feeling's moochal."
4. "You men are all alike! Five or six quick ones, then you're off with the boys! You better keep your mouth shut! (Oh, I think I love him!)"
5. "Say nothing, act casual."
6. "Put! Ze candle! Back!"
7. "No tongue."
8. "Sedagive?!?"
9. "No, it's Eye-Gor."
10. "Ovaltine!"