Bloodthirsty Monster KFangaroos?!Devil Ducks of Doom?!Why Didn't Anyone Come Get Me?!Man, I Was Born in the Wrong Era!

"'Have I ever been eating olive?!' Why, that's a strange question, Roo! And a strange way to ask! Of course, I love olives, and I lov-" And it was over. One bounce, and Tigger was babbling his foolishness unaware of his peril. And with the next bounce - more like a plop, really - his entrails had escaped through a grisly yet precise rip across his belly, and they spilled around him in steaming ropes of scarlet horror, tangling him, bringing him down. Down to Roo. He was still smiling - the pain hadn't yet reached that peanut rattling around in his skull - when he realized what it was that Roo was so greedily devouring. It looked very familiar. It wasn't his tail - he could see that twitching a few feet away. But it did look ver...oh. It was him. The him part of him, to be exact. Before he could scream or prattle off one of those rhymes Roo so despised, a quick rip at the throat silenced The Meal. Tigger could only gasp and gurgle in horror, spitting blood silently as his one remaining arm flapped impotently at the cute little bugger. "You hear that, motherfucker!" snarled Roo, finishing the secondt testicle. "ALIVE! Eaten ALIVE! Dipshit!" As Tigger struggled for a rhyme with "disembowlment," Roo sampled an eye.

Kangaroo Carnivores

from Sploid

Startling new evidence proves that Australia was once ruled by bloodthirsty monster kangaroos that galloped across the outback and killed everything in sight with their massive fangs.

"The flesh-eating marsupial would have lived between 10 and 20 million years ago," the BBC reported today.

Even normal kangaroos are little more than "hopping death," but the very idea of viciously carnivorous 'roos has chilled Australians.

That's because had such beasts roamed the island continent when England first began dumping its most loathsome criminals in Australia, there is little chance the weak and amoral convicts could've survived.

Paleontologists working the dig in Queensland have found more than 20 "previously unknown creatures," including a carnivorous attack bird they call the "demon duck of doom."

But are the "killer kangaroos" truly extinct?

Just three years ago - also in Queensland - a monster kangaroo attacked people in town until a desperate man killed the 6-foot-tall beast with an axe.

"It was killed or be killed," John Crouch told the Bundaberg News-Mail.

"I'm absolutely sure it would have killed us if it could. It was completely crazy and became enraged without provocation."

Both Crouch and his wife were badly injured.