'It Is Not Human, But It Seems To Be Human-Like'

Bigfoot Has No DNA!

from Sploid

Recent testing on a severed hand that has stumped police and cryptologists alike for years shows the shocking truth about Bigfoot: the legendary man-beast has no DNA.

After years of research, compiling data from experts across the country, Bigfoot hunter Tom Biscardi has proven that the monster he's been chasing all these years is a lifeform completely foreign to anything that modern science has even considered.

In 2001, a hand was anonymously delivered to police in Butte, Montana. Assuming they had evidence of a crime, cops handed it over to the coroner for testing. The coroner's report said the hand in question was not human.

Obviously aware of Bigfoot's long history in Montana - and under-worked, police kept looking for answers. Finally, unable to determine the origin of the hand, they turned to local outdoorsman and Bigfoot Researcher Don Monroe.

Monroe took the hand from one lab to another, but no one could identify it. Desperate for answers, he turned to colleague Tom Biscardi. The two had met on the Bigfoot circuit and respected one another's research.

Biscardi's initial DNA test results inched the mystery closer to the light, "not human, not any known primate...not in the system..."

He then turned to Dr. Todd L. Reese, D.C., to study the anatomy of the hand. The Idaho chiropractor confirmed previous tests, "I have compared the bone structure to bears, apes and other animals...and cannot come up with any tangible answers...it is not human, but it seems to be human-like."

The next stop for the "hand of unknown origin" was the DNA Diagnostic Center in Fairfield, Ohio. The report, signed by forensic analysts Kathryn McHenry and Julie Heinig, Ph.D., cleared up once and for all why no one could identify the species.

Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) Results:DNA extraction and human quantisation were performed on items 01.A and 01.B (sections of tissue).

CONCLUSION:No DNA was obtained from items 01.A and 01.B

With this latest breakthrough, Biscardi has whittled the story of Bigfoot down to three possibilities: he's either our oldest living ancestor, the next step in evolution or an alien!