Shadowfoot: <i>The Colbert Report:</i> Dungeons & Dragons

4.15.2006

The Colbert Report: Dungeons & Dragons

I will never forget when I lost Pheronithe, my 21st-level Lawful Good paladin. [chuckles] I know - that's redundant!

With D&D now available on the internet, the social outcasts of today's junior high schools are relieved of the agony of any human contact. Enjoy your magnificent isolation!

Don't forget to bathe.

Thanks to dopplegangster Drew for the clue...

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Now, ask what the Great Conjunction is. 'What's the Great Conjunction?'

What's the Great Conjunction? You tell me!

The Great Conjunction Is the End of the World!

...Or the beginning. Hm! End, begin - all the same. Big change! Sometimes good...sometimes bad.

That would be me, Darren. Um, the one on the right. (I haven't dressed like Catwoman in years.)

About Me: Ask Me, Godless Wonder [my atheism blog - yep, going to Hell], my AICN Return of the King review (as Fuckleberry Hinn), One Day I Will Be Your God

D&D I Did: Core Class Compendium, A God Among Geeks [New], Prestige Class Compendium, my Shadowfoot's LINKS Index, and the list further below

Quizzical: Mutant Superpower and Mythological Creature

Monster Mash

A Is for Androids

B Is for Boba

E Is for Elric

G Is for Genie

J Is for Jedi

Alba Centauri

[four legs, superfast, impenetrable virginity]

Aquamancer

[detects water, slightly boring]

Babyfist

[superstrong infant]

Battlepope

[superstrength, flight, bastard]

Blinky

[cycloptic cat, breaks hearts, deceased]

Cornelius

[humanoid ape]

The Cro-Mags

[devolved quadroped siblings, superstrong legs, communicate in babble]

Cryomancer

[cold projection]

Dajoro / Dark Dajoro

[God-like powers coming soon]

Double Felix

[two-faced cat, stereo, drinks milk really, really fast]

Dr. Bahlaqeem

[telepathic chiropractor, can heal over phone for $60]

Gamera

[indestructable turtle, possible Satanic origins]

Glimpse

[cyclops, kinda creepy when he winks at you, impenetrable virginity]

Hellcat

[seizure-causing cat, possibly undead]

Hellhound

[horror-inspiring "dog," possibly undead]

The Holy Sear

[eye beams]

The Incredible Popeman

[super chastity pants]

Inkling [limited precognition - very limited]

Killa Manjara

[giant-sized]

El Lobo

[disturbingly hairy and beastlike, possible lycanthrope/werewolf, 2000 Best Supporting Actor]

Luke Pie Rocker

[quick reflexes, pizza delivery]

Mary-Kate & Ashley

[two-headed snake, damn cool]

Mighty Morphin' Mother Teresa

[shapechanges into pastries]

Mnemosis

[absolute memory, never forgets, can never just 'let it go, goddammit!']

Prince Mongo

[hair changes shape/repels demons, possible alien biology, possible delusional insanity]

Mother Gemini
[two wombs]
...and Ying & Yang

[wonder untwins]

The Necromancer

[summons spirits, governor of Florida]

Nun of the Above

[flight]

Patience

[holy blood, magic weapons]

Quacksilver

[four-legged duck, superfast, absolutely delicious]

Riptide

[rogue CIA-trained assassin dolphins, armed and dangerous, totally fucking cool]

Scorch [conducts electricity into fire]

Scykic

[Scientological supersenses - allegedly]

Seamonkey

[water-skiing primate, amphibeous if supplied oxygen]

Seuss

[light-radiating pig-jellyfish]

Simian

[ape-like agility, tail, worshipped as a god]

Slow & Poke

[two-headed turtle but only as slow as one-headed turtle]

Superrman

[imperviable to copyeditting]

The Superspud

[super-potato, resistant to energy, cannot be microwaved like regular potato, may one day rule Earth]

Taurus

[superfast cow, dodges oncoming traffic]

Trinity

[three arms, can applaud self and pat self on back at same time]

Tripoli

[three legs, wallcrawling, can't be toppled, future Soccer God]

Uncat

[mouse-like cat...or cat-like mouse]

Wildcat

[catlike agility, long arms, "cherry-red two-inch talons," berserker rage, Oscar-winning performances]

Stormwrack: Mastering the Perils of Wind and Wave

Gifted, Natural & Strange [celestial, natural & aberrant Warlock variants]

Witch [archetypal arcane core class]

Dark Clown [nightmarish clown prestige class]

Necromancer [necromancy-based core class] *

Jester [madcap harlequin core class]

Sister of the Moon [moon-based witch prestige class] *

Swashbuckler [brazen adventurer core class]

Halfling Chicken Wrangler [comical egg-throwing prestige class]

Lord of Flies [maggot-vomiting insectoid prestige class]

Seromancer [blood-based arcane prestige class]

Quickstring [speed-based archer prestige class]

Inexplicable & Xenomancer [alien-based arcane prestige classes]

Sniper [archer-assassin prestige class]

Tinker [mechanical inventor core class]

Archer [archetypal bowman core class]

Hillbilly [bigger-and-stupider prestige class]

Geisha [Asian-flavored arcane entertainer core class - the first thing I ever wrote for D&D] *

Moonblooded [former-lycanthrope prestige class]

Professional [build-it-yourself occupational core class]

Gallant [romantic white knight prestige class]

Cinderelle [fire-based undead dryad/tree fairy]

Arrow of Light & Darkbow [holy & unholy archer prestige classes]

Pale Knight [necromantic black knight prestige class]

Nethermancer [necromantic arcane prestige class/2E Ghul Lord kit conversion]

Paragon of Beauty [beauty-based magical prestige class]

Violet Lady [fungi-based witch prestige class] *

Cultist [core class for fanatics of unorthodox faiths]

Shaman [tribal divine core class]

Winter Warlock [cold-based witch prestige class] *

Blade [showman-swordsman prestige class/2E kit conversion]

Corsair [my old seafaring core class that ended up being split into the less specific swashbuckler and several seafaring prestige classes, including the Cutthroat pirate and Sinbad-flavored Sailor on the Seas of Fate] *

Zen Blade & Ki Blade [mystical swordsman prestige classes]

Red Fist [brutal martial artist prestige class]

Lepreckin [comical angry-leprechaun-based prestige class]

Jack-of-All-Trades [multitasking everyman prestige class]

Dominatrix [naughty leather-and-obedience prestige class]

Lucky Bastard [luck-based warrior prestige class]

Professor [analytical-yet-befuddled prestige class/2E kit conversion]

Noble [wealthy aristocratic core class]

Veiled Blade [cunning cloaked warrior prestige class]

Djan [race descended from genie ancestors]

Matriarch [dark elf politician prestige class]

Eldritch Fist & Eldritch Mystic [arcane martial artist & mystic prestige classes]

Voice of Sorrow [dirge- & requiem-based prestige class]

Feyslayer [fairy-hunting prestige class]

Not to mention my original Spells/Domains & Feats or my near-official compendiums of official and unofficial core classes & prestige classes

Never Caught On As Much As I'd Hoped: my Ninja

core class (which I still think is better than any I've seen), Jedi-like Mystic divine core class and corresponding Yogi prestige class, veteran warrior prestige classes Warlord and Battlescarred, divine Apostles of Anarchy / Order / Sin / Virtue prestige classes, mystically intuitive Zen Archer & Zen Mystic prestige classes, Zodiac-based Astrologer prestige class, menacing Voodoo Queen prestige class, undead water fairies the Necreid, Persian-based Arabian Knight and Sailor on the Seas of Fate prestige classes, withered black witch Crone Battlescarred

prestige class, construction-destroying Gremlin feys, destoyer-of-the-unnatural Nature's Avenger prestige class, spellcasting specialist Eldritch Savant prestige class, whimsical raised-by-fey Greenchild prestige class, alternative combat styles, and my Martial Artist from the Old Boards

What I Was Working on Before I Quit: time-warping Chronomancer prestige class and corresponding Evolutionary / Visionary / Primordialist / Clockwatcher prestige classes and associated spells, new extreme warlock variants Psychic / Metamorph with corresponding Mindreader / Pyrokinetic / Telekinetic / Clairvoyant / Metabolist / Mimic / Shapechanger / Amorph prestige classes, conversion of my old Geisha core class and related Femme Fatale prestige class and new Silk Rose / Diva of Renown / Embodiment of Poise and Grace prestige classes, positive-energy prestige classes the white necromantic Vivamancer / druidic Earthmother / priestly Lifegiver and corresponding spells, druidic Stormbringer prestige class, the symbol-based Runist prestige class and corresponding spells, the gifted prestige class the Angelic, the natural prestige class the Organic, the strange prestige class the Alien, the warlock prestige class the Goth, and prestige classes for all four the Destroyer / Progeny / Spellfist, jester prestige classes the dessert-lobbing Master of Pies / joybringing Harlequin / hapless Fool / cruel Trickster and corresponding Dark Clown revision, the sorcerer variant core class Sorceress, the cleric variant core class Priest, seasonal Autumnal Reaper / Herald of Spring / Winterkeeper / Sun Worshipper druid prestige classes, the deity-specific Apostle of God divine prestige class, Barbarian variants the Feral core class and raging Berserker prestige class, Persian-themed Sorcerer of Sea and Sky core class and Scorpion Warrior / Scorpion Magus / Snakecharmer prestige classes, the atheist Heretic prestige class, the all-knowing Savant prestige class, seafaring Corsair of the Seven Seas / Explorer of Lands Unknown prestige classes, expansion-by-demand of my Chicken Wrangler with corresponding Gnome Moleherder prestige class, mystical Zen Gardener druidic prestige class and grand Zen Master prestige class, skeptical investigator prestige class the Occultist, the uncanny Trickshot / crossbow-based Blazing Bolt / arcane Eldritch Bow / sling-based Slingshot archer prestige classes, light-based prestige classes the arcane Auroran / druidic Rainbowchild / dark Shadowcaster, classic Knight prestige class, the kobold Anklebiter prestige class, the opposing Gloom Disciple and Eternal Optimist prestige classes, the arcane Channeler core class, the Whip Savant / Musketeer swashbuckler prestige classes, the Master of Orbs prestige class, the Peasant Hero core class, new witch prestige classes Faerie Witch / White Warlock / Pentaclist / Mistress of Mirrors / Medium / Weather Witch / Beholder / Transmogrifist / Bog Witch / Warlock Arachne / Master of Cauldrons / Gypsy Witch / Scalemaid / Prestidigitatrix / Witch Hunter, conversions of earlier witch prestige classes Sister of the Moon / Winter Warlock / Violet Lady / Dreamweaver / Dabbler / Demon Witch / Mistress of Mist, the Spellbinder prestige class, the Whisper ninja prestige class, conversion of my Necromancer and corresponding core classes (Enchantress, Conjuror, etc.), and an array of monsters, including Constructs [Living Armor] / Dragons [Fire-Breathing, Sea Serpent] / Fey [Bogie / Fairy / Manaed] / Magical Beasts [Cerebus] / Monstrous Humanoids [Serpentine Medusa] / Outsiders [Cherub / Darkling] / Plant [Venus Mantrap] / and Undead [Grim Reaper / Haunted Forest / Haunted House / Living Hand / Nosferatu]

* [from the old D&D Boards that I never got around to updating and reposting on the new Boards]