Darth Scykotic: Tom Cruise, Sith Lord

Backstage at Oprah: Tom awaits the makeup artist and thinks about his new apprentice, Katie Holmes, and then...

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah!
(video don't lie)



...before jumping on her corpse in manic glee...

Strange Women Lying in Ponds

A few years ago, in an apartment not so far away...

*ring* *ring* *ring* *ri-click*

My Answering Machine:
King Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis the Peasant: Man!
King Arthur: "Man" - sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37!
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37 - I'm not old!
King Arthur: Well, I can't just call you "man."
Dennis: You could say "Dennis."
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but from behind you looked-
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
King Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to our dated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress-
Peasant Woman: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here! Oh - how do you do?
King Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
King Arthur: The Britons.
Woman: Who are the Britons?
King Arthur: Well, we all are. We're all Britons, and I am your king.
Woman: Didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-
Woman: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
Dennis: That's what it's all about! If only people would-
King Arthur: Please, please, good people - I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman: No one live there.
King Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I told you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...
King Arthur: Yes, I see.
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-
King Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
King Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you!
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Woman: Well, how did you become king then?
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: I mean, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
King Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
King Arthur: Shut up! Will you shut up!
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
King Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: OH! COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!
King Arthur: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that?! Did you hear that, eh?! That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

*Beep*

Caller: Hello? Actually, I called the wrong number, but I just wanted to say thank you. I've been having the worst day, everything's been going wrong, and I've been in a terrible mood. But your outgoing message made me laugh. I'm going to call back and listen to it again. I just wanted to let you know and to say thanks. Goodbye...and have a wonderful day!

*Beep*

Ah, the healing powers of Monty Python...

Princess Leia Gives Birth to Princess Leah

Star Wars Princess Inspires Real Royal Name

from Reuters

OSLO - Norwegian Princess Leah's name was inspired by a character in a Star Wars movie, the mother of the infant princess was quoted as saying Thursday.

"I must admit that I have always been a big Star Wars fan, and Princess Leia has always been the most beautiful in the whole world," Princess Martha Louise said in an interview with the Norwegian daily Aftenposten.

Princess Leah, born on April 8 this year and fifth in line to the Norwegian throne, was due to be baptized Thursday. In the Star Wars movies, Princess Leia is the twin sister of Luke Skywalker and the daughter of Darth Vader.

Princess Martha Louise did not explain the slight difference in spelling of the two names, both pronounced the same way.

Witches Praise Bewitched Statue

Bewitched Statue Goes Up in Salem

from Associated Press

SALEM, Mass. - Welcomed by many — including the mayor and some city councilors — but reviled by others, a statue of 1960s TV icon Samantha Stephens of Bewitched was unveiled amid a puff of smoke in Salem on Wednesday.

The statue depicts the late actress Elizabeth Montgomery, who played the nose-wiggling Stephens in the 1960s sitcom, sitting sidesaddle on a broomstick, her skirt flying behind her in the breeze, in front of a crescent moon.

Even though hundreds turned out to welcome the statue at Lappin Park, including some people who call themselves witches, others continued to protest.

"I think it's the best thing to happen to Salem in a long time," self-described witch Linda Monroe told WHDH-TV. "It's a long time coming for something so fun and cheery. She's awesome. She's everybody's idol."

While some Salem officials said the bronze statue, sponsored by the TV Land cable network, is just a bit of fun and will hopefully draw more tourists to the city, others have criticized it, saying it trivializes the real and tragic events that occurred in Salem in 1692, when 20 people were put to death after being accused of witchcraft.

Those people carried signs at Wednesday's event that said "Tragedy (does not equal) Whimsy" and "Is there no limit to the schlock and hype?" They say the statue is nothing but an ad for the Bewitched movie, starring Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell, scheduled for release June 24.

The ceremony was attended by show director William Asher, who was married to Montgomery, as well as a number of actors who appeared in the original series, including Bernard Fox (Dr. Bombay), Kasey Rogers (Louise Tate), and Erin Murphy (Tabitha Stephens).

The network has placed similar statues of famous sitcom characters around the country, including Brooklyn bus driver Ralph Kramden of The Honeymooners at the Port Authority in New York and Mary Richards in Minneapolis, where The Mary Tyler Moore show was set.

Excellent! Project: King of Earth - Phase I

Japan Unveils "Robot Suit" That Enhances Human Power

from AFP

TOKYO - Japan has taken a step into the science-fiction world with the release of a "robot suit" that can help workers lift heavy loads or assist people with disabilities climb stairs.

"Humans may be able to mutate into supermen in the near future," said Yoshiyuki Sankai, professor and engineer at Tsukuba University who led the project.

The 33-pound battery-powered suit, code-named HAL-5, detects muscle movements through electrical-signal flows on the skin surface and then amplifies them.

It can also move on its own accord, enabling it to help elderly or handicapped people walk, developers said.

The prototype suit will be displayed at the World Exposition that is currently taking place in Aichi prefecture, central Japan.

Japan has seen a growing market for technology geared toward the elderly, who are making up an increasing chunk of the population as fewer younger Japanese choose to start families.

Gallery Update: CoRu & HoBt

I've added a few of the so-so pictures from Champions of Ruin and Heroes of Battle to the Best of the WotC Art Galleries. The best of the mediocre. Are the good artists on strike?

'What Do You See, Clarice?'

Nerd Or Serial Killer?

Hmm...Sounds Like My Stolen Collection!

Collector Wants Star Wars Toys Back

from Associated Press

LINCOLN, Neb. - Angry he is. Jason Scott wants his Star Wars collection back, including his 12-inch model of a beast called a tauntaun and his C3PO and Darth Vader carrying cases.

And especially the original and rare "blue snaggletooth" figure that showed up in the first film's cantina scene.

Scott said Monday that he's posted a $1,000 reward for his stuff, which was stolen last week from his padlocked storage unit inside his Lincoln apartment building.

"These figures are vintage," he said. "Some were the hard-to-find 1985 figures" — like a Death Star play set, for example.

Scott said he's posted reward notices around his apartment complex and remains hopeful, but the loss is uninsured.

He'd been collecting seriously since 1994, and he said his 92-piece collection of action figures is only five short of the 97 total. He estimated the 92 pieces together could fetch $3,500 or more in an Internet auction.

"It would be nice if the person just set the stuff back on my doorstep," Scott said. "Fifty percent of it is I want the person to get busted, but I want the stuff back more," he said.

Guess the Good Directors Are All Busy

Well, maybe X4 will be good?

Ratner Takes Helm for X-Men 3

from Cinescape

Twentieth Century Fox and Marvel Entertainment have hired Brett Ratner (Rush Hour) to direct X-Men 3.

Ratner will be filling the spot left by Matthew Vaughn when he exited the project last week. He'll be working from the script by Zak Penn and Simon Kinberg. The original cast is returning and as previously reported they will be joined by Kelsey Grammer, Vinnie Jones, and Maggie Grace, who signed on to play new mutant characters.

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