Official Cause of Death: Autopsy

'I'm not dead!' Quiet, you!

Autopsy Reveals Subject Was Still Alive When Autopsy Began

from The Onion

MERIWETHER, MT — County coroner James Hextall announced Monday that a thorough autopsy of C. W. Milodragovitch, a local tavern owner pulled from an automobile accident last Saturday night, revealed that the man had been alive at the start of the autopsy.

"Our findings reveal that Mr. Milodragovitch lost a great deal of blood from a very deep Y-shaped incision in his torso, which extended from his shoulders to the pubic bone," Hextall said. "There is also evidence of defensive wounds on the fingers, most likely produced from fighting off a scalpel, and the wrists show ligature abrasions where the subject resisted being restrained to an examination table and having his still-beating heart removed and weighed."

The sheriff's office has ruled the death an accident pending an autopsy.