Can't Say I'm Surprised...

Star Trek: Enterprise was canceled today. My only surprise is that it took this long.

I'm not a Trekkie. Not quite. I loved The Next Generation, the high point of the entire Trek franchise; watched Voyager religiously, from Kes to Seven to Icheb; and I've been enjoying the original series since I was a baby for its pompous camp, bad acting, cheesey effects, and technicolor goodness. But I couldn't watch the badly overacted and perpetually underwhelming Deep Space Nine, and I stopped watching Enterprise about four episodes in. It was just dull. Dull dull dull.

The Big Beige Yawn
You couldn't find a less interesting and less charismatic cast than that in Enterprise. Only Trip and T'Pol - and that cool Andoran guy Shran - had anything approaching charm or character. The rest of the cast was like a mouthful of beige flour.

What disabled the show most, though, was the arrogance of its producers. Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, who took over the franchise after Gene Roddenberry's death - it's just time for them to go. They made bad decision after bad decision with this show, from the uninteresting pre-Kirk premise (which ended up convoluting the Trek history and timeline, as any idiot could have predicted, and did), to the bland and flat appearance of the show, to the underwhelming casting decisions, to the uninvolving villains that needed to be scrapped and reinvented season after season because no one cared, to a theme song that will go down in history as the worst of the Trek franchise. Long after Berman/Braga are good and dead, people will still wince when they hear that gutless song, one better suited for soccer moms and Michael Bolton CDs than science fiction shows.

It seems like they took every aspect of Star Trek that had made it interesting and just bled the color out of it. Stale, bland, clunky, and antiseptic.

There's Nothing Wrong with Jar-Jar! Syndrome
Berman/Braga adopted an arrogance usually reserved for delusional, smug, visionless blowhards like George Lucas - it got to the point where they seemed to believe they simply could do no wrong, that their decisions - such as that song they vigorously defended - were always good, and that any criticism was to be quickly ignored. As a result, the show (like the newest Star Wars movies) quickly lost favor even with its most fervent of fans, and disappointment replaced enthusiasm. Even as the ratings declined, they held fast. Or didn't care. They probably still blame the show's failure on factors outside themselves.

I hope they kick those two off the franchise for good, cut them out of the movies (which, with the exception of 50% of First Contact, have been nearly unwatchable), and bar them from ever even saying the words "star" and "trek" in the same sentence. It's time for you to move on, boys, and let someone with a fresh vision revive this dead horse.

Time for a Nap
Let the franchise rest for a few years. And then bring it back under new leadership. And, god, please, no Starfleet Academy-themed show. No one wants to see The OC or Dawson's Creek with phasers. No one.

In the tradition of every Trek series except Enterprise, the next series should be set in the future, post-Voyager. And bring on a colorful cast - maybe with a few returning characters - and give them personality and something interesting to say.

Before today's announcement, I was actually getting a little excited about Enterprise upon hearing they were returning to the evil parallel universe featured in the "Mirror Mirror" episode of the original series (one of only two episodes of Star Trek I own - the other is "Yesterday's Enterprise" from TNG) and apparently revisited in Deep Space Nine (I wouldn't know). That two-part episode airs in March or something, and I'll be there, with an enthusiasm for the show I haven't felt since Voyager made it home. Maybe being evil will make these characters actually interesting.

Star Trek: Paradox
Here's an idea: Why not have the next series set in that evil parallel universe? Embrace the other side of the mirror? This will let you bring back old favorites in totally new ways, both as regulars and fun cameos, and actors who may have grown tired of playing, say, sweet little gardener Kes may jump at the chance of coming back as Dark Kes, ruthless telepathic assassin. You could take previously dull characters - like Beverly Crusher - and give them fascinating new life as amoral scientists and Dr. Frankensteins. The Borg can be a cult-race of philosopher cyborgs lfying through space in gleaming silver spheres, preaching a philosophy of unity and selflessness and allowing only the willing to join the Collective; the Borg Queen, beautiful and platinum, is revered as a deity. Vulcans can be amoral, calculating, emotionless tyrants. The Klingons? A dying race of noble warriors and benevolent kings. Ocampans? Greedy psions who spend their short lives indulging in hedonism and malice.

My god! There could even be room for Wesley Crusher, non-annoying psycho genius!

Star Trek: Paradox could focus on a group of heroes on the ship Paradox fighting to survive in an otherwise corrupt and murderous universe. Our heroes could look something like this:

Seven of Nine: A transporter malfunction sends her to this parallel universe, and she joins the crew while trying to find a way back home. She views the Cult of Borg with suspicion, knowing that the Collective never viewed itself as evil, only correct, and that this parallel Collective would not view itself as good, only correct. And that great evil can and usually is caused by those who think they are right. [Science Officer]
Gul Dukat: The ruthless Cardassian leader becomes the kindly captain of the Paradox. [Captain]
Ro: In the regular Trek universe, Ro turned from terrorist to hero. In this universe, she'll turn from hero to villain, killing Betor with betrayal. [Number One]
Sela: Tasha Yar's vicious half-Romulan daughter (long story) becomes the crew's forceful leader on away missions; once Ro leaves, she becomes Number One. [Helmsman/Number One]
Andrelle: One of the surviving members of the bioengineered "supermen" eventually lead by the now-deceased, beloved Khan, Andrelle is beautiful, brilliant, and strong. [Chief Engineer]
Nhaga: A member of Species 8472 stranded in this universe after her homeworld was destroyed by the Vulcans; he is now cared for by the crew. [Ensign]
Quark: His greed and scheming replaced by generosity and law-abiding, his occasional benevolent side replaced by a vicious mean streak. [Ship's Morale Officer]
Lore: Data's tempermental, insane android brother becomes the poetic soul of the crew. [Chief Medical Officer]
Lursa and Betor: Those power-hungry, treacheous Klingon sisters can become the fierce, noble warriors of the crew. [Tactical Officer and Head of Security]
Mahz: Kes' son, who has rejected the selfish, indulgent ways of his race and spends his short life trying to do good. A bloody encounter with Mother (who needs his spinal fluid to extend her own life) is inevitable. [Communications Officer]
Chang: The Klingon villain of cinematic Trek becomes the leader of the minority Rebellion against the Federation. [Admiral]
Seska: Ryker's girlfriend from Voyager who ended up being a surgically altered Cardassian spy. Now she's a surgically altered Cardassian spy who has posed as a human to infiltrate the corrupt Federation, killing the butcher Ryker before her escape. Her half-human son, by Ryker, is aboard Paradox - and he seems a little evil. [Helmsman/Reconnaisance]
And a few assorted new characters.

Recurring villains could include:

John Picard: Lord of the Federation, a cunning, clever, and ruthless tyrant. Call him Jean-Luc and he'll disembowel you; it's "John Picard, dammit!"
Kate Janeway: Conniving and ambitious, she eventually kills Picard and assumes control of the Federation.
Kes: A legendary Ocampan assassin, infamous for killing her victims by melting their brains, Kes seeks the means to extend her life in spite of her race's seven-year lifespans, including killing her own son to do it.
Annika Hansen: This universe's Seven of Nine, who rips herself from the benevolent Collective to lead a wicked life. Joined by her young lover Icheb, also a Borg-gone-bad, they seek to take over the Collective and rule the galaxy. When she meets our Seven: Cat fight!
Kira: The cunning Bajoran is still fighting for power.
Spock: He's still alive, and still sporting the goatee. While working for the Federation, he occasionally aids the heroes, even secretly, as he finds them intriguing. When Picard learns of these betrayals, Spock is killed.
Guinan: Immortal and blackhearted, Guinan has justified her pursuit of personal power with philosophy and Darwinian wisdom. She is Picard's closest advisor, and then Janeway's, although she views them both as brief stepping stones on her long path to glory.
The Doctor: The holographic doctor with the acidic tongue becomes the cold, curious Dr. Frankenstein with the bloody scalpal, performing cruel experiments on Klingons and Romulans under the director of...
Beverly Crusher: A coldhearted bitch who kills her own son to advance her career. Sorry, Wesley may not make it into this series after all.
L'waxana Troi: Called the Black Queen, she is the ruthless leader of the Betazoid Empire, using her charms and telepathy to manipulate her foes into killing each other. But she seems so nice! That is her greatest weapon.
B'Ehlanna Torres: The half-Klingon has rejected her noble Klingon side for the brutality of her humanity, relishing in the violence and anger her Klingon race has spent centuries overcoming. She's a bit crazy.
Data: He is the Lore of this universe, but cold and indifferent, seeing humans as weak bags of bones; and, since killing Tasha Yar to advance his career, his companion is his own "daughter Lal," who never died in this universe. Even his cat is evil. Lots of hissing and clawing of furniture.

Or something like that.

[/brainstorm]